Relationships

What is a serious relationship?

When you begin you talk about your significant other, what is it that you talk about?

Some of us talk about that person's accomplishments in life. Some of us talk about our sex life. Some of us talk about the children that we have brought into the world together. Some of us complain. Some of us talk about what the person looks like. Some of us talk about how much money they make. The list goes on and on.

What do you talk about? What is it about that person that keeps you interested? And most importantly, are you focused on the things that are important to you; or those things that are important to the person you are talking to?

I was forced this week to think about how often it happens that we are focused on different things in our relationships.

In this situation, and it is important because the differences caused the end of a relationship, the things that they were focused on were very different indeed, but yet could have been aligned given some good communication. I will admit, however, that the communication would have had to happen quite a while ago.

He was focused on being the best daddy, and provider that he could. This kept him from home for a full time job, and also for the purpose of working on the side in an effort to make extra money to support the household. Additionally, as we all do, he needed time with his friends.

She was focused on many of the same things, but worked an opposite shift of what he did. What happened is that many of the times that they could have been spending together, he was working on the side, or relieving stress with other people.

What happened is that she ended up feeling as though he wasnt giving her the attention that she needed. He wasnt fulfilling that part of her that wanted the same amount of attention that he gave to his work, his side jobs, his daughter, and his friends. This led to her finding somebody who would give her that attention for now. He ended up with a broken heart and a lot of confusion over what caused the situation. Bear in mind that his goals were to provide for the family no matter how much time it took, and also that he thought that she understood that fact.

I do not know the third party involved. That fact does not bother me even a little. I do know that he does not know what he is in for. Right now, I think that the two of them are having a good time, everything is fresh and new. He's trying to be nice to the child, give his girlfriend whatever she wants, etc.

But here is what I also know. For a long time, the ex-boyfriend managed to keep the wheels turning. He was a great daddy, and will be forever by the way. He managed to earn a good living for them. He worked hard to pay off the debts that they had. He stayed home with the baby when he needed to. He tried to be good to his girlfriend and give her whatever amount of time that he could. He is a great friend. The guy doesnt have any time left except to sleep when he's got all of that done.

I think that this new guy has a hell of a rough row to hoe. And I also think that he doesnt have any idea. I hope for the little girl's sake that he is strong enough to keep up.

Communication is key in any relationship. "The legend" (my friend the ex-boyfriend) would have changed his whole world for this woman if he had known that she wanted him to. But the communication wasnt there. Legend would have quit working on the side. He would have limited his time with friends. I believe that if he had been made aware of what she felt she needed, he would have taken whatever steps he needed to take in order to make things better for her.

But its too late now.

My fear is that Legend's ex-girl may someday soon find out how good she really had it, and that it will be way too late to get it back. It is very likely that by the time she does, he will have found somebody else. And that will be her loss when it happens. I also fear that this new guy isnt going to turn out to have enough of a pair to deal with the fact that he just became an instant de-facto husband and father. Im not afraid for him. Im afraid for the toddler, whom i love dearly.

And so it goes... In any relationship, there ought to be one simple rule that we all live by... "I am the least important person here. My needs and desires need to come after the needs and desires of those around me. I need to humble myself to those that I am in relationships with and take my pleasure from filling their needs."

I honestly believe that if we all had this attitude, every relationship in our lives would benefit greatly. It would make you a better friend. A more caring husband. A less egotistical boss. A more willing employee. You can fill in the blanks from there.

Imagine how Legend's situation could have turned out given his attitude adjustment.

From his perspective, maybe he would have simply made a point to adjust his schedule so that he could go grocery shopping or run errands with her.

Maybe she would have taken the time to notice what he was trying to do for them as a family.

Maybe they would have been able to get on the same page about their life goals.

And perhaps, just maybe, it wouldnt have had to end.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish people could just set their own ego's aside and talk about things. This relationship is truly tragic.